


Between The Desert And The Ocean (There I Am)

by orphan_account



Series: Richie Is Gone [3]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: (im not a drug expert don't yell at me pls), Angst, Bisexual Richie Tozier, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content (brief mention of a Blowjob its not much), Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of overdosing, Moving On, Richie and Bev facetiming in the end bc they're cute like that, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Singer/Songwriter Richie Tozier, but like different, he goes through a lot im sorry, i gotta stop making my bois so sad, richie is a mess, the end is kinda happy i guess?, the reddie is just like implied/mentioned since richie still loves him yaddi yadda, this is more of a richie centered thing, this whole thing is a mess like my mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 22:39:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13281333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Richie finds that inbetween didgeridoos, koalas and surfboards, he has finally found himself.





	Between The Desert And The Ocean (There I Am)

**Author's Note:**

> hewwo!  
> (if u see this before reading the first two parts of this series, i advise you to read them first)
> 
> so there it is, finally! part 3 of the 'Richie Is Gone' series. at first i wasn't really sure if i wanted to write this because i just didn't know and i intended it to be a character study of how he is right when he leaves, then after the wedding and then a little later but i honestly don't even know what it is now?  
> a lot of this is really sad because while writing the most parts of this i was kinda in a dark place?? (i kinda still am but like whatever lmao gotta stop whining). also im sorry that this comes so late?? ik i promised to upload it before or right after christmas but w/ christmas and my parents breaking up and everything i was going through a lot and i didn't really find the motivation to write.  
> but now that it's 2018 and i'm officially back on my bullshit, here's part 3 enjoy reading!!!!
> 
> lastly i wanna mention ahead that richie's drug use/abuse is mentioned in this but i didn't really write anything detailed about him shooting up bc i just don't know how drugs work, im an innocent 15 yr old bean ok pls don't yell at me. he also overdoses twice in this and it's referenced a few times so if that makes you uncomfortable im sorry?

 

 

Richie Tozier is a wreck. And there is really no one that would tell you otherwise. People passing him on the street probably think ‘ _Wow, that’s one helluva busted man, what happened to him?’_

 

Truth is, Richie Tozier has always been a wreck, it’s like it’s been destined for him to be like that since the day of his birth. He’s a screw-up, a failure, a mistake, the kind of kid your parents would tell you to stay away from. Always fucking things up. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as he is now, but still very fucked up and broken, his parents are to blame for that.

This time, though, he had done the damage himself. He knows that going to the wedding was a stupid idea but it were his two best friends getting married, so of course he had to go. 

_You know he deserves it_ , he tells himself.  _To be happy and in love. Even if it’s not with you. Hell, he’s better off without you anyways._ And it stings but it’s the truth. Richie knows that, he guesses everyone knows that.

What hurts the most is the fact that he still Loves Eddie, capital L and all, but he needs to move on, it’s the best for both of them, isn’t it?

He’s had Eddie. For a moment, at the airport. For a split second, there was hope for RichieAndEddie. Maybe they could’ve been something, maybe they couldn’t but that’s up to fate.

 

Still, leaving Derry, leaving America overall, was probably the best idea he’s ever had. Sure, the first months had been awful, always waiting for Eddie to call, to tell him that  _yes, I love you too Richie I want to be with you_ and for them to decide that they’d be together when Richie is better and returns to Derry, hell they could move somewhere else together and Richie would be well and alive and  _clean._ But the call never came and he was getting worse instead of better.

And then he gave up the waiting, gave his phone to some homeless guy he used to shoot up with. Withdrawal was intense and painful and hard but his new friends stayed with him day and night, took him to rehab and then it got good and healthy, he almost completely forgot the brown-haired boy he gave his heart to. He picked up new hobbies like painting (even though all his ‘works’ looked like shit- and they honestly still do), going on walks and exploring the Outback and surfing, but most importantly: his music. 

He went from covers to writing his own songs, which he first only ever performed on stage in a bar he worked at and then in the streets of Sydney, becoming a rather known street performer. And he thinks that maybe this is him; Richie Tozier, musician, surfer, painter, part-time cook, a free spirit that only ever smokes pot once a week nowadays. But most importantly  _clean_ .

 

 

And then he attends that stupid wedding and boom, all these old feelings and memories he’s so succesfully pushed back over the course of two years resurface and he finds himself going down the rabbit hole again. And at first it’s not even that bad, it’s  _just_ drinking and cigarettes and pot and he still manages to go to work in the morning but then  _it’s just not enough anymore yet the pain is too much_ .

And there’s combinations that should send him to the hospital, if not straight to hell itself but somehow they don’t and he thinks maybe it just isn’t enough yet and that this is a punishment for his dumbdumbdumb actions.

Craig is the first who notices because he knows the signs, has experienced this almost two years ago when the lanky curly-headed American that asked him for a ride at the airport started to distance himself, stayed in his apartment all fucking day. He had found him nearly passed out on his bathroom floor, phone in one hand and covered in his own vomit. “Craig why can’t I just fall for you?”, the boy had asked as he was being cleaned up. “I suppose because I’m too masculine for your liking.”, he had answered as he wiped the last trail of vomit from the other’s chin. “But would you like me back?” As the question was spoken, dark brown-black eyes were staring into his own, coming closer with each milisecond that passed. “Please don’t kiss me now. You have awful vomit-breath and you’ll regret it.” His words were met with a sad look. ”Richie look, I’ve known you for three months now and even though you’re really handsome and sexy and incredibly funny, you’re probably the most fucked-up and obnoxious person I’ve ever come across. I mean, I’d totally rip your head off a month into our relationship.” Both men had bursted out laughing, with Richie adding: “Yeah and I mean we probably wouldn’t be able to agree on who’d be bottoming.”

 

Richie doesn’t even know what day, yet month, it is when Craig visits him in his apartment. He doesn’t even really register who’s speaking to him, feeling like he’s in another dimension, away from everyone else, caught up in a cloud of just himself and all those funny colors spinning around him.

“Dude, your boss called me half an hour ago because he couldn’t reach you. Said you haven’t shown up to work in two weeks. You haven’t responded to any of our calls or texts, we were fucking worried about you, man. You’ve been pushing all of us away. And now I come into your apartment, that, by the way, looks like a fucking tornado hit it, and you’re literally on a goddamn trip.”

But Richie says nothing, just looks at him or rather stares right through him until he gets up, without any other word, and leaves.

 

A few days later Richie finds himself in the warehouse where most crackheads meet up to smoke or shoot up together. He’s having a great time, he tells himself, as a needle is being handed over to him. He’s having a great time, he tells himself, as Nate, some dude he occasionally had bought Xanax from, pulls him closer and then they’re kissing or rather making out. He’s having a great time, he tells himself, as they’re outside and Nate is down own his knees with Richie’s cock down his throat. Richie imagines that this isn’t just some junkie sucking him off but instead Eddie, his lovely little Spagetthi Boy getting him off, and he comes harder than he ever has before. He can’t help but to feel guilty for letting his mind wander to the boy whose touch he craves so much. He quickly zips himself back up and runs, not really knowing where, he just runs.

And then suddenly, everything around him just spins even more and he doesn’t even know in which direction he’s going anymore, doesn’t even feel his legs anymore, only feels bile rising up in his throat and then everything goes to black as he faceplants the ground.

It feels like he’s falling but he’s lying down and he can’t see anything, even though that could be because he’s face down on the fucking wet ground. Then he’s being turned around and his face is being slapped multiple times and there’s a voice talking to him but he can’t grasp what they’re saying, let alone if the voice is male or female. For a split second, when he’s able to open his eyes, he thinks he’s seeing an angel because all he sees is piercing blue eyes and light blonde hair falling onto his face. And as he’s passing out again, he thinks if that’ll be the last thing he sees, that’s okay.

 

 

The next time Richie wakes up, he’s in a hospital bed, the harsh light hurting in his eyes. Craig is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room but quickly gets up and walks towards the bed as he sees that Richie is awake. 

 

“Morning sunshine.”, the curly-head rasps from where he’s laying.

“Christ, Richie what did you take this time?”, Craig asks as he sits down on the covers of the hospital bed.

 

“Dunno. We were shooting up in the warehouse and then Tyler whipped out the Xanax and there were Oxy’s too I think but ‘m not sure. Then I was suddenly outside and everything was spinning and now I’m here.”

 

“Dude, you can be glad some older woman saw you collapsing. No one would’ve found you in the alleyway you were in if it weren’t for her taking out her trash. She alerted some girl who called an ambulance and tried to get you back to conciousness. You were barely breathing, man.” Craig’s sentence ends with a crack in his voice, tears welling up in his eyes. “Fuck Rich, you gotta stop doing this to yourself. I know the boy broke your heart but you’re wrecking yourself, heck you’ve been clean for so long.”

There’s a knock at the door and then a head of blonde waves peers out from behind it.

“Oh _thank god_ you’re awake, can I- uh…., can I come in?”, the girl asks with a thick Aussie accent and Richie nods his head. She walks over to his bed while Craig gets up with an ‘I’ll let you two have a moment alone’. 

 

 

“Well if it isn’t my brave saviour!”, the curly-head greets with a charming, toothy smile.

 

“Oh, uhm, yeah…technically that’s true. My name is Ella by the way.”, she says, accompanied with an awkward chuckle and holds her hand out for him to take.

 

“Well, I’m Richie and really glad to meet you.” He takes her hand and presses a gentle kiss to the back of it. “I suppose I owe you something now. Maybe a coffee or a tea when I’m outta here?”

 

“Wow, never in my life have I witnessed someone flirting while in a hospital bed, let alone in the state you’re in”, Ella says but blushes as she slowly takes her hand out of his. “Anyways, I just wanted to check in on how you’re doing. I know it most likely won’t help but like, don’t do shit like that to yourself. I’m pretty sure there’s plenty of people who care about you and who would’ve been devastated if that woman hadn’t found you and basically screamed at me to call an ambulance last night.”

 

“Yeah…uh, what can I really say except for thank you for saving my life? I mean I OD’ed a couple of times but it was never this bad. God, I dunno why I’m even telling you this.”

Ella smiles, nose crinkling up a little as she scribbles something down on the block lying on the nightstand next to the hospital bed. Finally, she says: “That’s my number if you ever need someone to talk to. But you can also find me hanging out at Bondi Beach almost every day. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you surfing there before.” And then, she leaves.

 

 

“I think I want to go back.”, Richie blurts out as they’re packing up his things to go home. He’s met with a confused look from Craig. “To rehab I mean. Fuck I’ll even sign up for NA if you want me to.”

Craig snorts. 

“Yeah of course you’ll go back to rehab. Do you think I would’ve just brought you home and we go on with our lives? I would’ve dragged you back there if I had to.”

 

* * *

(One year later)

 

“You won’t guess what happened!”, a familiar red-head greets him as he accepts he FaceTime call.

 

“What?”, he asks as he walks into his living room and plops down onto his couch.

 

“We got married!” Bev excitedly holds up her hand to demonstrate her ring and motions Ben, who sits behind her and smiles at her fondly, to do the same. “And yeah I know, you’re about to complain about not being invited but we got married in a registry office, just the two of us.”

 

“Chill out, carrot top. ‘m not mad. And you know I don’t do good with marriages.”, he (at least half-)jokes. Bev just looks down at her hands, now folded in her lap. Ben clear’s his throat and gets up, mumbling something about making himself a cup of coffee.

 

“Yeah. How are you holding up?” There’s a hint of sadness in her voice. Richie had picked up contact with her again right after he came back from the hospital and had told her everything.

 

“I’m fine, I guess.”, he just answers.

 

“Come on, more details.”, Bev just demands.

 

“S’been getting better lately. I feel at home here, I feel like myself. I’m getting closer to this girl, Ella, and she’s such a genuinely nice and sweet person and she’s way too good for this world. She’s so precious and beautiful, she’s kinda a swimwear model and professional surfer, and her sense of humour is amazing. She’s literally an angel and everything I could ask for and more. You know, around her I can crack the dumbest of jokes and she just rolls her eyes and laughs. 

But she just reminds me of him so fucking much,  _it hurts Bev._ The way she looks at me, her laugh, how she talks and insults me, she’s basically him in female. And I want to be with her, I really want to, but I don’t want to hurt her just because I’m still hung up on someone that loved me back in High School, someone that I didn’t even date.” 

 

“Listen, Rich, I know you still love him and that it hurts but all I can tell you is that you gotta let yourself have something good at least once in your life. The way you describe her, she sounds just lovely and perfect, so go for it, tiger. Who knows, maybe she’ll help you move on, I mean, it’s been three years.” She gives him a sympathetic look, then changes the subject. “Tell me more about your life. How’s your music career going? Are you a surfing pro yet?

 

“Well, I’ve recently joined a band called Heading For Two and I guess we’re quite popular around Sydney? We’re gonna release our first EP soon. For the surfing part, no sadly not but I’m gonna head down to the beach with Ella later. You should see her, she’s the best surfer I’ve ever seen. She’s won quite some competitions, even as a child.”

 

“Tell me the name of the EP and I’ll buy it when it comes out. You know I love me some Indie Rock. And seriously, if you don’t make a move on your girl, I’m gonna fly over to Sydney and rip your head off. I mean, look at Stan and Bill, where your advice has taken them.” They both laugh at that, Richie definitely doesn’t plan on getting married in the next two years when he has met Ella just last year. Bill and Stan have known each other their whole lives, at least.

 

“It’s called ‘Tease’ and it’s definitely my favorite song I’ve written so far. I think you’re gonna love it.”

 

“Rich?”, Bev asks suddenly, her tone completely different.

 

“Yes, Bevvie?”, he answers.

 

“Do you think you’ll come back to America? I mean it doesn’t even have to be Derry, but the States in general.” 

 

“Don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong, I totally miss all of you Losers but there’s just something about Australia that makes me want to never leave. I mean, I totally found myself here, discovered who I truly am and all that shit, bla bla bla. And especially not now since I have my band. But trust me, Molly Ringwald, if we ever get super famous and tour all over the world, I’ll plan in a stop in Portland, just for you.” Bev just laughs and flips him off, then saying goodbye and ending the call.

 

 

When he gets to the beach, Ella already waits for him there, sitting on a blanket, a picnic spread in front of her. 

“Well, hello there rockstar.”, she greets him and throws a grape, which Richie manages to catch in his mouth. 

They eat fruits and sandwiches and then they lie in the sun, sharing Richie’s headphones as they listen to his not-yet-released EP and read books. And then they play volleyball and Ella decides she ‘really wants to hit the waves at least once today’ until she eventually becomes tired and returns to their spot in the sand, placing herself in Richie’s arms.

“Hey El?”, he mumbles, nuzzling his nose into her wet hair. 

“Hm?”, she answers, already half asleep.

“What are we gonna tell our kids about how we met?”

She snorts and answers: “Definitely not that I saved you from overdosing while you were unconscious with foam spewing out of your mouth.”

 

And he thinks yeah, maybe he’ll let himself have this because  _this feels good and safe and warm and home._

**Author's Note:**

> ayoo u made it through part 3!!!  
> the EP of richie's band i mentioned is actually the song 'Tease' by the band Osaka and honestly go listen to it rn pls because the song is fucking amazing and Osaka deserves more recognition!! feel free to follow me on spotify @/juli.pkt i personally think my mixtape (playlist) is fucking fire
> 
> also im sorry the whole thing with richie going to rehab and shit and fighting his addiction is really rushed i know that and its like super unlikely but i just couldn't find another way to write this without making this 10 years long?? and again i dont really know how drugs and overdosing and stuff like that work im a smol bean so like pls don't come @ me that loudly
> 
> thank you so much for reading, add me on tumblr @/scintillatingstars (feel free to chat me up im lonely) and i'll see y'all soon
> 
> xx julie


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